52 posts tagged “stupid conservative tricks”

Is it... respect? For Chris Matthews??

Last week Bush made some typically retarded speech in the Israeli Knesset calling Obama an "appeaser" and comparing his desire to talk with Iran to Neville Chamberlain turning over Austria and the Sudentenland to Hitler.

Most of the right wing airheads that immediately took up the meme of appeasement and started regurgitating it all over the airwaves have no fucking clue what that actually means. Fundamentally, they're wrong, because talking to your enemies is "diplomacy", not "appeasement". Giving a dictator half of Czechoslovakia so he won't invade Poland is appeasement. (And we all know how well that worked out.)

But not only are they wrong about the definition, they don't even know what specifically Chamberlain did that was so bad. Not that that stops them from running around and making the comparison, because Bush gave them the water to carry and they're going to do it, regardless.

In this recent clip from Hardball, Chris Matthews takes time out from asking Hill if her vagina won't keep her from being an effective President to nail one of them but good. Watch him ask Kevin James over and over again "What specifically did Neville Chamberlain do that was bad?" for several minutes. James hysterically splutters the same ineffective non-answers ad nauseum ("It all goes back to appeasement! It's the exact same thing! It legitimized and energized!") before admitting "I don't know what he did!!" It's a thing of beauty.

Video of Insider Edition-era Bill O'Reilly totally losing his shit over a teleprompter error. It's a slice of fried gold. Via Best Week Ever.

Hey Florida, I got your nose!

Just when you think Floridians have exhausted their apparent monopoly on Dark Ages-level intellect in America, they manage to lower the bar just a little more: A Florida substitute teacher has been suspended for accusations of "wizardry" after he performed a magic trick in class.

Wait, so that time my father seemed to make his thumb detach from his hand, it wasn’t just a clever illusion, but Dark Magic? BURN HIM!!!

How is it even possible to accuse someone of "wizardry"? How can the school official, upon hearing that, not say, "I'm sorry, but that's not a real thing. Please come back when you have a complaint about something that actually exists."??

Later this week the Land O’ Lakes school board will have an emergency meeting to discuss whether or not they should implicate a stoning policy for teachers who teach heliocentrism.

Lincoln douglass

If it were any other network, I'd think this graphic was the result of a production assistant who either had a snarky sense of humor, or who'd just smoked a phat spliff. Since it was Faux News, I'm going to assume this is just another in a long line of painfully stupid gaffs:

On a recent episode of Fox and Friends, the commentators were discussing the prospect of yet another Hillary/Obama debate, and kept referring to it as a "Lincoln/Douglas-style debate". The graphic was put up inviting viewers to email their opinions.

Apparently the geniuses at Fox think Lincoln debated the issue of slavery, not with pro-slavery dweeb and historical footnote Stephen Douglas, but with escaped slave and abolitionist Frederick Douglass. You know, the guy who was on the same side of the issue as Lincoln? What an interesting debate that would have been.

Lincoln: But in the right to eat the bread, without the leave of anybody else, which his own hand earns, he is my equal and the equal of every living man.

Douglass: I agree with everything my noted opponent just said! Next question.

He didn't even spell his last name the same way, but that's like the least stupid thing about this whole idiocy.

They should have put up a graphic of Michael Douglas. Remember that one time he pretended to be the President? That would have made more sense.

i'm not the president but i play one on the teevee

do i make you horny?

Possible replacement for the elephant as symbol of the GOP. Elephant testicles are too leathery to be palatable.

Via my pretend girlfriend Rachel Maddow comes this delightful story:

Former Republican Senator and Governor of Nevada, Paul Laxalt, was hosting an annual all-male, all-GOP “lamb fry” dinner in Georgetown, when he choked and had to be Heimliched by former campaign aids for Huckabee and Romney.

“Lamb fries” are, of course, the cutesy name given to fried sheep’s testicles.

So, a group of misogynists leave the little wives at home to go hang out in a testosterone-laden gathering and put animal testicles in their mouths. One of them can’t handle the mouthfull of balls, so a couple of servant boys dogpile him and aggressively dry hump him from behind.

People, if there is one thing the GOP does way better than the Democrats, it’s kink.

them suitcases are full of coke, right? heh heh heh.

Remember how Preznint Bush appeared on Monday night's Deal or No Deal, and made a joke about how "thrilled" he was to appear "anywhere with high ratings these days"? And we all chortled, because living through a historically catastrophic presidency is hilarious??

Well, he should have just made a joke about Iran or something ("Stop stoning people for watching Baywatch reruns on their illegal satellite dishes and elect a president whose name I can pronounce, and we won't make Israel bomb you. Deal?"), because that night's episode turned out to be the lowest-rated Monday night episode in the show's history.

Monday's show averaged 10 million viewers, down 27 percent from its season average.

nelson muntz points at you and mocks your pain

it all tastes like botox anyway

Shocking news about Cindy "Beer Barronness" McCain: Recipes which were claimed to be "old family recipes" on the official McCain website turns out to have been stolen from the Food Network website.

The McCain camp is blaming it on an intern. So, you believed you had a god-given right to steal something you didn't even really need from hardworking people, than blamed the hired help when you got caught with your hand in the cookie jar? That's not elitist at all!

I suppose we shouldn't be too hard on poor Cindy. After all, the woman clearly hasn't eaten since sometime in the late 1980s. How can she be expected to have recipes of her own?

p.s. I am totally considering making the bowtie pasta with turkey sausage dish this weekend. Seriously.

cindy better pray giada isn't mobbed up

Nojoud nasser

An 8-year-old Yemeni girl has been granted a divorce from her 30-year-old husband. Just let that sink in for a moment. She's 8. Married to a 30-year-old. Her father forced her into the marriage, and when her mother and aunt told her there was nothing they could do, she marched down to the closest courthouse by herself and started asking judges and lawyers for help. Who is this girl, Punky Brewster?!

15 used to be the legal age for marriage in Yemen, but it was ammended in 1998 to allow parents to contract marriages for underage daughters. Their husbands aren't supposed to be "intimate" with them until they are "ready" or "mature". Well, that's not vague or anything.

An uncle has stepped forward to be her gaurdian, but the Supreme Court of Yemen says it does not plan to return her to her family, in case they try to marry her off again. She's going to be placed with a private organization that works with children. I hope like hell there's a happy ending to this. Look at how spunky she is! If you could convert her sassiness into energy you could light the Statue of Liberty torch with it!!

You know, I believe in cultural relativism, but only so far as it doesn't infringe on basic human rights. I do think there are some things that are moral absolutes in any society, and a girl who isn't even old enough to menstruate being forced to marry a man old enough to be her father who beats and rapes her, is wrong by any cultural yardstick.

Douchebag

Darrell Issa's official headshot.

This week's "Wacky Californian GOP lawmakers" item: Rep. Darell Issa, protesting against federal funds for 9/11 first responders, had this to say:

Issa described the Sept. 11 attacks as "a fire that had no dirty bomb in it" and added: "It had no chemical munitions in it. It simply was an aircraft, residue of two aircraft and residue of the material used to build this building."

He then went on to describe the Great Wall of China as simply a bunch of bricks, and the Holocaust as simply Hitler being grumpy about not being accepted to art school.

He's gay!

(I did a Google Doc on this yesterday afternoon, then the app took a huge dump and hasn't come back, so if this isn't as funny as the one I wrote yesterday, blame Google.)

Troubles continue for The Cryptkeeper and his merry brainwashed band of religious zealots: A federal judge in Maryland on Thursday ordered liens on the Westboro Baptist Church building and the Phelps-Chartered law office. If the $5 million ruling against them (brought on by the family of a Marine whose funeral the WBC picketted) is upheld, the buildings will be sold to help pay damages.

The church would make an excellent location for a PFLAG meeting hall/venue for gay marriage by day, and a gay disco featuring cage-dancing leather daddies and glory holes by night. Just something to keep in mind, potential buyers!