53 posts tagged “funny”

I can't articulate my feelings of "Huh?" any better than Jezebel did:

The spine of Allure reads "The Beauty Expert." That's the mag's claim to fame. Nowhere does it say that the publication is for the mentally handicapped, three year olds, those recovering from spinal cord injuries or Neanderthals. (Or Cro-Mags, heh.) So it is impossible to comprehend why the glossy felt the need to publish a step-by-step charticle on how to take a shower.

How to shower

No, that's not a metaphor for the Cold War.

Video of Insider Edition-era Bill O'Reilly totally losing his shit over a teleprompter error. It's a slice of fried gold. Via Best Week Ever.

do i make you horny?

Possible replacement for the elephant as symbol of the GOP. Elephant testicles are too leathery to be palatable.

Via my pretend girlfriend Rachel Maddow comes this delightful story:

Former Republican Senator and Governor of Nevada, Paul Laxalt, was hosting an annual all-male, all-GOP “lamb fry” dinner in Georgetown, when he choked and had to be Heimliched by former campaign aids for Huckabee and Romney.

“Lamb fries” are, of course, the cutesy name given to fried sheep’s testicles.

So, a group of misogynists leave the little wives at home to go hang out in a testosterone-laden gathering and put animal testicles in their mouths. One of them can’t handle the mouthfull of balls, so a couple of servant boys dogpile him and aggressively dry hump him from behind.

People, if there is one thing the GOP does way better than the Democrats, it’s kink.

The smartypants at PopPhoto used their mad age-progression Photoshopping skillz to show us what the Presidential candidates might look like at the end of their first term. I guess in case you wanted to vote based on who would have the most liver spots.

I call bullshit on their prediction for Obama, though. Ain’t they never heard the phrase “Black don’t crack”?

Hillary

Obama

Mccain

Editor’s note: One of these photos may or may not have been altered for cheap laffs.

So instead of reading any of my usual infuriated rantings, please enjoy the Best Vlog Ever:

(It's that dumb on purpose, y'all.)

I've been fooling around with Taaz on my lunch break, a site that lets you upload photos of yourself and screw around with different make-up and hairstyles. It even lets you try out colored contacts. For years I've toyed with the idea of getting a pair, but only wearing one, so I'd have different colored eyes. Like David Bowie!

I took the original photo a little while ago in my office, so please excuse both the blank expression and the uninspiring background.

Here is me before, and then after I added the most ridiculous cosmetics I could come up with.

Before & after taaz

Hee! (Although I do like the hair closer to the sides of my face, which is how I normally wear it, so it doesn't look so huge; but I brushed it back a bit for the photo.)

This site has really weird eyeshadow applications (not the colors, but how you apply them), there are 4 choices but none of them are anything I'd ever normally choose.

Cracked can always be relied upon to dredge up the very worst cultural lowlights of the glorious decade in which I spent the majority of my childhood: The 1980s. In particular, the movie Gymkata. Like all Yugoslavian exports, it sucked balls and is mostly remembered today for its unintentional hilarity. It was banned in Finland, so as not to offend the USSR, who obviously didn't give a flying fuck, as they didn't bother to ban it themselves. Why bother to ban something people would only want see so as to mock it? Finland is officially the wussiest, suck-upiest nation ever.

In this scene, I imagine John Cabot's interior monologue probably runs thus: "Thank god I happened across this random object lying in an alley while fleeing from Parmistanian [that's not a spelling error, they really thought Parmistan sounded more real than the traditional Fakeistan-ed.] dirt farmers that just happens to be shaped exactly like a pommel horse!! And that these peasants are apparently so malnourished that one kick to the face takes them out permanently. And that they only attack one at a time--must be a local custom."