9 posts tagged “fashion”

be the coolest dressed kid in 2002

Hooray, the biggest douchebag on the internets is now selling T-shirts at the lamest store in the mall! It looks like Perez Hilton came up with the designs by Googling "Scene" and cramming all the resultant visuals onto one shirt.

Scene, really? Are the kids still into that? That’s so Bush’s first term.

Well, I guess I shouldn’t hold him to the same exacting standards as Gareth Pugh; Perez thinks Photoshopping a coke moustache onto a photo of Britney Spears is still as screamingly hilarious today as it was the first 27,000 times he did it. Clearly, originality is not his strong suit.

I just hope he doesn't fashion future designs by using the wikiHow for How To Be A Scene Kid as a guide, as wikiVandals have obviously been having fun with the page:

...really?

You'd have bitchface too if you had to parade around in this idiotic get-up.

Do they not teach fashion students nowadays that the first requirement of clothing is that it’s meant to be worn? And by actual human beings, not immobile dummies. I ask because, after seeing Gareth Pugh's Fall 2008 collection, I'm not sure.

Allegedly a “darling of the fashion elite”, prior to Spring 2007 he hadn't sold a single dress, claiming his creations were "catwalk experiments", and had to be forced out of his squat by court order. I'm all for starving artists and holding out against selling out, but it just seems stupid when your chosen art form is something as utilitarian as clothing. It’s like claiming you’re a toilet paper designer, then making toilet paper out of steel wool.

Also, the drab colors in that line make me want to double up on my Zoloft.

stupid custody hearing, me and my sister-wives could be partying at bungalow 8

You gotta love how the fashion-obsessed see the world. Most of us look at the plight of the 416 children removed from the polygamous and abusive FLDS compound in Texas and think it's terrible. Fashionistas look at it and think "My god, those pastel dresses are fab-yoo-luss!"

Call up Pantone and the folks at FIT, as a new chapter is about to be added to the fashion history books: Polygamist Pastels.

Marc Jacobs has already announced a new line of women's accessories for Spring 2009 that include an abusive rapist of a husband old enough to be your father, and several excess sons that you'll have to abandon by the side of the road like unwanted puppies once they reach puberty.

Size -2

I can haz alfalfa sprout?

This week the French fashion industry signed a charter to promote "healthy body images". Unlike Spain, which bans models with a BMI of less than 18, or Britain, which which requires models to show medical proof that they don't suffer from eating disorders (or, if they do, that they are being treated for them), the guidelines in the Land of a Thousand Cheeses don't actually impose any restrictions. Instead they focus on "awareness raising" and "information sharing", and probably aren't going to do a damn thing to promote the use of healthy models. But at least when the next 18-year-old underweight model drops dead on the catwalk, everyone will be aware that anorexia stopped her heart!

None of these campaigns are addressing the root of the problem: Designers that essentially make clothes to fit human versions of wire hangers. Harangue the models all you want; but when every single big-name designer is continuing to make size 0 and under clothes, the problem isn't going to go away, because healthy models won't be able to fit into their clothes.

And in somewhat related news, remember Chloe Marshall, the size 16 contender for the title of Miss England? That birdcage-bottom rag The Daily Mail (which previously ran an interview in which the columnist could barely contain her outraged disgust at Chloe's body) ran an article written by a former Miss England judge, Monica Grenfell, in which she spewed venomous hatred all over Chloe Marshall for refusing to hate her body so much that she becomes a shut-in:

Feted and fawned over for her courage in daring to break the mould, Chloe boasts she wants to be an 'ambassador for curves'. Who does she think she's kidding? What she's demonstrating isn't bravery but a shocking lack of self-control. Instead of flaunting her figure, Chloe ought to own up to the truth. She is fat and she got that way by over-eating. It would send an appalling — and very dangerous — message to other young women that it's OK to be fat. Chloe is a stark reminder that obesity is now virtually normal in our society — and we should all be hanging our heads in shame.

What bothers me here is not so much the accusation of fat (although Chloe isn't obese, according to Carla Wolper of the Obesity Research Center at St. Luke's Hospital in New York City), but the indication that fat people don't deserve to feel happy, to aspire to the same things as skinny people, to take part in society. Monica Grenfell sounds like she's one enraged tic away from suggesting that Chloe ought to be locked in a cage and put on display so everyone can throw rotten tomatoes at her. And she's by no means a lone voice in the crowd, I see this attitude almost on a daily basis.

Oh yeah, this woman just screams "haute couture"

What is it about Spring that makes all the designers start smoking crack? Last year it was John Galliano's "Dérélicte" rip-off; this year Roberto Cavalli announces he wants Amy Winehouse to be the face of his upcoming season. The crusty, open-sored face!

I don't know if Seigneur Cavalli has any plans for a line of Amy-inspired accessories, but if he's interested I've started a list, including:

• Ratty, soiled beehive wigs (these will have a great mark-up, because you can find them abandoned by old hookers in bus station restrooms)
• Rub-on cigarette burns, chancer sores, and tooth-blackener
• An abusive, frequently incarcerated, loathesome mess of a husband.

Ive got dozens more, and I'll sell 'em cheap! I need the money for fashionable condoms! Call me, Roberto!

C string

<----- Presenting the very latest in bizarre knickers: the "C String". It clamps onto your nether regions, making it (by all reports) pretty damn uncomfortable and not particularly reliable. Can you imagine walking through a chi-chi restaurant, only to have it fall to the floor?

You know, maybe I'm just an unsophisticated hick, but I never understood all the hysteria and paranoia over "panty lines". (God, I loathe the words "panty" and "panties". I shudder even just typing them.) So occasionally people can tell that I'm wearing underwear. Can someone please inform me why I need to give a flying fuck? For the record, I don't wear either granny panties or thongs. I prefer to stay in the middle with bikinis and the occasional pair of boycuts.

One thing that really annoys me about women's underwear is that it's gotten away from its real purpose and into this whole weird "lifestyle statement/madonna-whore" thing. Good girls wear "practical" underwear, bad girls wear "naughty" underwear. Really good but want to play at being bad? Wear a thong! And how typical that this has only happened to women's underwear, where men's hasn't changed at all in decades.

Underwear isn't about modesty or the lack thereof, it's about hygiene. Without it, you'd have to wash your clothes a lot more often, and until recently (and this is by no means a global phenomenon) that just wasn't feasible.

Look, if you simply can't bear to have the world know whether or not you're wearing knickers, suck it up and go commando.

Monkey_Dress

So, the sock monkey dress from the Minnesota State Fair that I blogged about yesterday? It's a real product that will be for sale soon! No word on pricing, but I'm guessing it ain't gonna be cheap. It looks comfortable though, and (except for the bare arms) it's probably really warm.

Derelicte

It finally happened: some designer saw Zoolander, and, not realizing the movie is a satire on fashion, said to himself "Hmm, 'dérélicte'... that's a totally good idea".

Sokmonkey dress

Dress made out of sock monkeys at the Minnesota State Fair.

Call me crazy... but I would totally, totally wear this.