your abstinence-only tax dollars are hard at work in florida

Apr 4, 2008 at 2:16 PM
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Ironically, the state sometimes known as "America's wang" is leading the country in stupid myths about sexual health: A recent survey of Florida teens shows that some of them believe that drinking bleach will prevent HIV and a shot of Mountain Dew will avert pregnancy. State lawmakers are laying the blame squarely on the doorstep of abstinence-only education and are using it to push for more comprehensive sex education.

The people that fervently preach abstinence-only sex ed have forgotten a crucial fact: Teenagers are stupid. In the absence of real information, they're just going to make up shit like "Gravity will prevent her from getting knocked up if she's on top!" And all Purity Balls do is stress an intact hymen so much that it leads to the next logical conclusion: having lots of anal sex. You know, for Jesus!

Sadly, I myself was raised by intelligent people (one of whom was a physician) and was given the facts of life in a straightforward manner at an early age; I feel I missed out on the great American teenaged tradition of passing around idiotic bits of sexual folk wisdom. Help me re-live my youth vicariously by sharing the retarded crap your friends swore was true!

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I think anything that will cut down Florida's population, especially that of obviously stupid people who are approaching voting age, is a good thing. I say, keep up the abstinence-only education, and let 'em keep drinking bleach.

It's hard to have sex when you're dead from drinking bleach, so technically that one is true.

But having them douche with Mountain Dew is only going to breed more of them, you know.

Maybe the Lyrics of this song could be changed to:
"Butt fuck me Jesus so I don't make new life" :)

haha, I always loved the rumor that if you douche with coke-a-cola it would prevent pregnancy, though none of my friends were ever dumb enough to believe it. We believed things like: if you use a condom you are less likely to get knocked up but the possibility was always there, if you practiced putting a condom on a banana you would be better prepared when the oportunity presented itself, and that asking your parents to be put on the pill was far less stressful than telling them you were knocked up...

...but then we were CraZy kids. that and when I was in school they actually taught sex ed... and yes there was about 1 in 425 students who got pregnant per year - that people publically knew about, which still isn't actually that bad...

I'm pleased to say I was raised by a couple of those abstinence-only folks...who managed to create me when they were a mere 18 and 17 years old, and continued to make more fantastic decisions throughout my childhood like cheating on one another repeatedly (often in retalation for the other spouse's cheating....brilliant!!) and physically locking me in the house so I wouldn't interact with boys until I was 16. You'd think the fact that my mother got pregnant at 17 would be enough life experience for her to realize that teenagers have sex. HELLO!!!

When my husband and I got engaged, we lived together for a year before the wedding. When we visited my parents during our engagement, even though we already lived together, they said that they were "old fashioned" and wouldn't let us share a bed in their house. This, from my dad who cheated on my mother and eventually got married a second time, to one of the babes he cheated on my mom with.

Thanks for taking me a on trip down Memory Lane. Good times...