the tomb of the unknown fangirl

...nah, probably not.

Rich from FourFour has done the world the incomparable service of watching the entire terrible Anna Nicole Smith basic-cable biopic and distilling it into one 7-minute capsule of awesomeness. Watch out for Karl Fucking Malden playing her ancient billionare husband.

If I ever watch this whole movie, it will only be to take part in a drinking game in which you do a shot every time someone says "titties", "Marilyn Monroe", or "TrimSpa".

This army of Guy Fawkes clones was breastfed.

Via Gawker comes this clip of Scientology mom Leah Remini and her bratty hellspawn Sophia on Rachael Ray's show. Apparently pweshush lil' pain in the ass Sophia is still bottle-feeding, in spite of being three-and-a-half years old. (It's obviously an affectation, as she's seen eating solid food at one point.) Suri Cruise is also still on the bottle, even though she's more than two. Speculations are rampant that they're being fed "Hubbard's Formula".

Scientology's founder, L. Ron Hubbard, advised against breastfeeding, saying that most modern women didn't have a good enough diet to form nutritious breastmilk. Instead he advised his adherents to feed their infants a noxious sludge--which he claimed to have gotten the recipe for in Ancient Rome--of barley water, milk, and honey. Honey is, as any first-year medical student or someone who's watched a couple of seasons of ER can tell you, not recommended for children under two, as it's an excellent way to kill your baby with infant botulism. Some modern practitioners have replaced the honey with corn syrup, leading to rotted baby teeth and scurvy. Scurvy. A disease that illiterate, cannibal sailors don't even get anymore.

What makes this all the more amusing is that a recent study found that children who were breastfed have, on average, IQs 5% higher than children who weren't. (Thanks, Mom!) So maybe Hubbard was crazy like a fox?

1. Instruct your followers to raise their children to be too dimwitted to realize they belong to a cult that exists soley to siphon their money away.
2. Make sure they grow up dumb enough to think statements like "Mental illnesses are caused by the 'essences' of followers of a galactic dictator who were brought to Earth billions of years ago and blown up with hydrogen bombs!" make perfect sense.
3. Sit back and watch generations of progressively obtuse morons bulk up church membership.
4. PROFIT$$$.

P.S. If you'd like to contribute to the legal defense fund that will no doubt be needed when I'm sued by the Church of Scientology, leave your contact info in the comments.

be the coolest dressed kid in 2002

Hooray, the biggest douchebag on the internets is now selling T-shirts at the lamest store in the mall! It looks like Perez Hilton came up with the designs by Googling "Scene" and cramming all the resultant visuals onto one shirt.

Scene, really? Are the kids still into that? That’s so Bush’s first term.

Well, I guess I shouldn’t hold him to the same exacting standards as Gareth Pugh; Perez thinks Photoshopping a coke moustache onto a photo of Britney Spears is still as screamingly hilarious today as it was the first 27,000 times he did it. Clearly, originality is not his strong suit.

I just hope he doesn't fashion future designs by using the wikiHow for How To Be A Scene Kid as a guide, as wikiVandals have obviously been having fun with the page:

...really?

You'd have bitchface too if you had to parade around in this idiotic get-up.

Do they not teach fashion students nowadays that the first requirement of clothing is that it’s meant to be worn? And by actual human beings, not immobile dummies. I ask because, after seeing Gareth Pugh's Fall 2008 collection, I'm not sure.

Allegedly a “darling of the fashion elite”, prior to Spring 2007 he hadn't sold a single dress, claiming his creations were "catwalk experiments", and had to be forced out of his squat by court order. I'm all for starving artists and holding out against selling out, but it just seems stupid when your chosen art form is something as utilitarian as clothing. It’s like claiming you’re a toilet paper designer, then making toilet paper out of steel wool.

Also, the drab colors in that line make me want to double up on my Zoloft.

Hey Florida, I got your nose!

Just when you think Floridians have exhausted their apparent monopoly on Dark Ages-level intellect in America, they manage to lower the bar just a little more: A Florida substitute teacher has been suspended for accusations of "wizardry" after he performed a magic trick in class.

Wait, so that time my father seemed to make his thumb detach from his hand, it wasn’t just a clever illusion, but Dark Magic? BURN HIM!!!

How is it even possible to accuse someone of "wizardry"? How can the school official, upon hearing that, not say, "I'm sorry, but that's not a real thing. Please come back when you have a complaint about something that actually exists."??

Later this week the Land O’ Lakes school board will have an emergency meeting to discuss whether or not they should implicate a stoning policy for teachers who teach heliocentrism.

Bitch has a good article about eating disorders in the fat acceptance movement. A lot of people (mostly women) involved in the movement who suffer from "disordered eating" are afraid to admit it. They feel they would be labelled as self-loathing by trying to "blame" their weight on eating disorders, or accused of discrediting the movement by making it look like a bunch of people who want to glorify illness.

It is precisely because eating disorders are not openly discussed that many fat people who suffer from bulimia, binge-eating disorder, and pathorexia (defined as disordered appetite, and used to refer to an entire spectrum of disordered eating) feel they aren’t welcome in the fat acceptance movement. Eating disorders are the proverbial elephant in the room that most members of the fat acceptance community pretend not to see. Some of the hushed voices surrounding the issue may be due to the relative youth of the movement, which is still finding its footing and setting priorities. And yet it is precisely because this movement is just now gaining real momentum that the time is ripe for having these conversations. But because the otherwise-diverse movement is silent about eating disorders, it’s easy to see why these hot-button topics seem off-limits. The silence around them magnifies the shame of being both fat and eating disordered in a community that refuses to complicate itself. Quite simply, people with eating disorders are the Lavender Menace of the fat acceptance movement.

Sad. Because it's a young movement (comparable to the feminist movement in the early '60s), there isn't yet a single unifying agenda. Everyone who promotes fat acceptance has something different they want to get out if it. I mean, most of us probably want the same basic cultural shifts: To stop treating fat people like they have no right to exist and take part in society; to make fat-shaming and mocking (think Norbert or those horrible Anti-Gym commercials as unacceptable as blackface; to stop putting so much desire on a statistically impossible underweight body type that the vast majority of women absolutely loathe what they see in the mirror. But there are also many personal agendas.

Probably the thing I want to see accomplished most is to stop the automatic "fat = unhealthy" equation in our society. It's especially infuriating when you see medical professionals, who ought to fucking know better, make it. Not everyone who is fat is that way because they sit on their asses all day eating cupcakes. And not all fat people are in bad health. I'm a size 20, and I eat better and get more exercise (due to not having a car) than the average American. My blood pressure, blood sugar, heart rate, and cholesterol are all perfectly normal. I can sprint up a flight of stairs and barely be out of breath. And I totally resent having my overall health, to say nothing of my worth to society, judged soley by my waistline.

In somewhat related news, today is International No Diet Day!

You can TOO get gonorrhea from a toilet seat!

Portions of Saddam Hussein's prison diary were published yesterday in a leading Arab-language newspaper. His biggest fear while imprisoned was not Gitmo-style torture or execution, but catching AIDS or some other “HIV disease”, because some of the soldiers were using his clothesline to dry their laundry.

“I explained to them that they are young and they could have young people’s diseases... My main concern was to not catch a venereal disease, an HIV disease, in this place.”

Apparently Saddam never saw that Very Special Episode of Mr. Belvedere where the little boy had AIDS (Trufax: I went to camp with the actor who played him the summer I was 12), and it taught us all how you don’t have to be a needle-sharing anal sex freak to get AIDS; and more importantly, you can’t get it through casual contact, so don’t treat people with AIDS like lepers. If he had he probably would have known that you shouldn’t write in your diary, if you are a deposed dictator and it’s almost certainly going to be published one day, how you feared getting it from a god damn clothesline, because you’ll look like a fucking idiot.

I still think hiring this lunatic made him look stupider, though.

she who smelt it, dealt it, ladies

In the wake of the Miley Cyrus bared-shoulder scandal, a member of ONTD took it upon themselves to compile 14 years' worth of Annie Leibowitz's Vanity Fair covers for the annual "Holywood Issue". That's a whole lot of powdered skin, awkward poses, and facial expressions that bespeak either ennui or a powerful need to fart. You be the judge.

The covers are fold-outs, meaning the left third of each image is actually what a potential buyer sees on the cover. Jezebel sees a racial bias in the covers, because a majority of the actors of color are pushed off to the right two-thirds. I'm sure that's not an accident, any more than the fact that when men and women are both in the shot, the women have on average about 96% less clothing than the men.

Of course, the funniest thing about going back over a decade and a half of so-called "It" actors and actresses is the schadenfreude that comes with realizing how many of them totally fizzled out. Wait, so people really thought Monica Potter was going to be the Next Big Thing? Wow, people were stupid in the '90s.